


As vivid as i was

by kind_sociopath



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Tokyo Ghoul Spoilers, Tokyo Ghoul: re
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-13
Updated: 2015-05-13
Packaged: 2018-04-26 00:31:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4982908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kind_sociopath/pseuds/kind_sociopath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sasaki can't control the one inside him and could't remember anything, until he met those eyes...<br/>A psychological and romantic fan fiction about memory loss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	As vivid as i was

**Author's Note:**

> I want to make clear that I make this fanfic with a friend for a thing in tumblr when Tokyo Ghoul:RE had a few of chapters, I had then published it in wattpad (due to a problem I had with ao3) annnnd now here it is.  
> So, it may have wrong some of the stuff because we don't really had much info about sasaki and etc.

**僕のことを　鮮やかなまま**

**(As vivid as I was)**

  


* * *

 

  _“Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.”_

―Oscar Wilde

 

* * *

 

 

 

“How can I be such a fool?” Sasaki said to himself. Overwhelmed with feelings, on the verge of tears.

 

He couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t understand it, yet he really knew what he felt when he met the blonde. When their eyes met, he felt as if he could see through his soul. As if his latte view that pierced through his own was waiting for this moment, for so much longer than the present part of him.

 

It didn’t start from that point. This wouldn’t be a tale if it had started since there, and if it was, it would be a boring one without context. One part of him knew it would happen, or rather hoped for it to happen, and that’s how the story goes.

 

It all started a few nights back, when Haise got back to his place after a long meeting, and slept right away. He had a weird dream, but not those weird sexy dreams or a nightmare including ghouls, well.. It kinda was. It’s just he didn’t expect what he witnessed. And the thing is, that dream had haunted him over and over. Repeating itself recklessly, until now.

 

He found himself on the dark room surrounded by red spider lilies. Sasaki felt like they had an important meaning for him, he just couldn’t figure out what it was. As Haise looked around a purple haired woman appeared. She looked beautiful and fairly kind, but for some reason, he felt it was better to stay away. The gray eyed knew danger was surrounding her; she seemed so familiar. Haise wondered if it was really a dream, it felt like he had been there before. He perceived a smell which became stronger every passing second. Blood, a smell he was used to.

 

“Will you not enjoy this tasty meal?” she broke the silence.

 

“What are you talking about?” Sasaki questioned surprised.

 

“You don’t remember, don’t you? That tasty meat... That tasty friend.” She grinned as the reaction of despair in his eyes appeared. “That was so appetizing! Even right now it gives me the urge to eat you whole.”

 

As she chuckled Haise felt more afraid, without kagune, just by himself with what he suspected, a ghoul.

She signaled him to look at his feet and there it laid… a lifeless body. Haise tried to at least see who it was, desperately trying to get him to respond but he got no answer. All he knew was that was a very precious person to him. Not a name, not a face came to his mind but a memory. Two teenage boys sitting on top of some sort of playground, sharing fries, talking about the future. Haise did not know why but it made him happy. If he was so happy why was he crying then? It was all a dream wasn’t it? Was it something his mind created?

 

He came to his senses again, and tried to stand upon the girl with scarlett glasses. His knees shaking and his eyes analyzing each and every one of her movements. For her, he looked somewhat pathetic with glassy eyes and trying to be all tough, so she grinned. She took a step forward, he took one backwards, she repeated the process until Haise slipped and fell on the bed of lilies, fearing his possible death and shut his eyes; and as he did, he fell in a dark abyss. Vertigo toured his back and a heavy air sucked him up until his body smashed in the ground.

 

He opened his eyes once, twice, until he saw him. The real nightmare. The one whose schizophrenic voice controlled his thoughts and soul. The white haired one.

 

“ _I’d rather get hurt than hurt others._ Do you still think like that?” The white haired guy’s monotone voice echoed

 

“Huh?”

 

“I just asked you a question. Won’t you reply?” He said as he cracked his fingers.

 

Haise was being consumed by the horror, the white haired guy’s voice lacked emotion but still had such an effect on him. He couldn’t speak, his voice was lost. He couldn’t move. The presence of that mysterious guy was even worse than the purple haired girl. He got goosebumps as the unambiguous ghoul eye glared at him. Only one eye.

 

“Just tell him already!” a female voice was heard, the one of the long-haired girl.

 

It seemed as the albino wanted to pronounce something, but the name escaped from Sasaki’s mouth.

 

“Rize-san” he heard and Haise’s eyes opened wide.

 

How did he know the name? The only thing Haise could think of was to run, run as fast as he could. Escape the dark and bloody eye with no feelings in it. Escape the girl that meant danger within his head. His feet were moving he was sure of it , he listened his feet, but why couldn’t he leave them behind? So stressful, he was running on the same spot.

 

Haise glanced backwards, where the other boy cracked his fingers and hit its head. The room was really dark and empty as if it were hollow. But there was the enough light to watch perfectly the one-eyed ghoul.

 

“Haven’t you seen my little present?” The voice of the girl in the long dress was heard again.

 

It seemed the girl repeated the scene on the lilies. The difference was that it was dark and a horrific albino figure was standing two yards away from him. Sasaki looked at his feet again still perplexed until a gasp of fear was heard near the albino guy.

 

Why? Why is he crying? The most redoubtable nightmare of Sasaki Haise was almost bowing trying to handle his knees to still stand up because of his feelings. The guy shouted in agony and for the first time Haise walked near him, leaving behind the cause of the snowy-hair one’s actions. Not for empathy but for curiosity. What could be as sad and cruel as to make an emotionless being scream in pain.

 

“That’s a pain only you humans can feel sweet boy.” The girl whispered in his ear. “The pain of losing someone.”

 

 _It seems it’s not true_ , Sasaki thought. Because even though what he saw was a half ghoul, it was still a ghoul. The one who can have both worlds, a human but at the same time a Ghoul.  Wouldn’t it make things more confusing? More complicated? it’s the human part of kaneki, the one that can still feel even if it’s just a little. That human part is what makes him different but it is also what will lead him to his death. A path of pain and suffering awaits him. It was this or it was a simple act made to manipulate him. Was it all planned or was he just unlucky?

 

As Haise questioned himself, he felt a presence in his back was increasing, and somehow also his feeling turned from complex interrogation to a simple love and care. He gazed at a big light above behind  that devastated the dark room. He opened his eyes extensively in which you could see a gentle gray in them, a sparkle of hope, and peace. Then slowly he closed them, easily watching his long eyelashes dance with the air. As this happened in an impulse he wanted to claim the name. The name he didn’t really know but he felt it was really important. The most important. As if it was a part of his family. As if it was there, right in front of him.

 

He opened his mouth and took a deep breath, and like a whistle he pronounced “...Hi...de”.

 

So close he felt the breath of this person, like a lightning bolt. Full of harmony and destruction. It was so, vivid and lively. The one he had lightened his thoughts. In seconds he opens his eyes. He had woken up.

 

“What was that?” he asked himself.

 

Haise could remember well what happened,except for the end, which was blurry and disconcerting. Either way, he felt more refreshed the next morning. At least more than other mornings. That day he woke up earlier. As the shiny sun brushed his skin, Haise decided to take a walk and search for a place to have some coffee. It really was a nice day for a place like Tokyo in which mostly is cold. Even so, he had to make it fast. He would have an appointment at 3:00 o’clock and had to hurry. He packed his kinke and stepped outside of his place.

 

Walking around the 20th ward he perceived a thin smell of coffee, not any coffee ;this was one familiar smell. It led him to a small coffee shop called :re, he had been there before when he cried as he tried their coffee, it was just one time and still kept him up at night. _Did it have something to do with the past?_ He thought. ”Why did I cry at that time?” He wouldn’t know. Tears had become something familiar to him and he didn’t know why, but he felt like he was used to suffering. Ever since that day he had been avoiding the shop, but he also was curious to try that delicious coffee one more time.

 

When he arrived the shop was almost full, they had many customers and all kinds of customers. Haise moved over to the only empty table. As he glimpsed at the pretty wooden interiors, there was also a really beauté waitress with short hair. She was kind to all of the customers and most charming, she smiled at everyone. Her smile was charismatic with a gentle look in her eyes. Haise felt like he had seen that smile long ago. It felt warm. He felt that was the smile of someone precious to him. When she approached the table she sighed, she was definitely tired but she was making an effort not to show it.

 

“It’s a nice day today, isn’t it?” She asked without taking her eyes off her notepad. Haise took some time to reply but he finally managed to say.

 

“Yes it is. The shop looks crowded you must have a lot of work.” He smiled slightly.

 

“I know right?” she claimed with a sparkle in her eyes as if it was a big achievement. ”Isn’t that amazing? It’s been a long time since It was like-.” She stopped mid-sentence. The confused boy noticed and looked up, he could still see her smile but the notepad was in the way of her eyes leaving him unable to fully figure out her expression.

 

“Is something wrong?” Haise questioned. The pretty girl took what felt like a long time to reply.

 

“Oh, it’s n-nothing. What can I do for you?” She said nervously.

 

“I’d just like some black coffee.” He responded fastly as the girl got a pen out of her apron pocket and wrote his order in her notepad.

 

“Black coffee. Anything else?” Haise shook his head. The girl smiled and she walked to another table to greet some new customers.

 

A tall and strong looking guy came back with his coffee a few minutes later and Haise thanked him, he nodded and then left. Haise wondered where had the girl gone and thought she must be busy. He took a sniff at the still hot coffee.

 

“Smells like home.” He said while nobody was listening, took a small sip and something like a flashback a memory came to him.

 

This time he didn’t cry, he smiled. A coffeeshop similar to the one he was in appeared; It was just as vigorous but there was something different to it. It wasn’t full of strangers but people he somehow knew. People cherished by him, the pretty waitress from the shop was there; and also a couple of lovers, There were also friendly workers, a little girl with her mom, a old yet lively man in his uniform and … a blonde guy who didn’t seem to fit in.

 

“Where was that?” He stood up by impulse, as the people looked at him. He apologized, left the money on the table with a generous tip and left the place in search of that one coffee shop.

 

In the way he tried to remember. “What was the name?” This few days had been the most stressful for him. Some sort of hallucinations, illusions ,and other kind of stuff created by himself have been appearing since that dream. His head ached a bit but he still was walking. He wanted to find the cause of all of his problems, obviously was the dream; but what he wanted to find was the creator of those ideas. It could be a place, a thing ,or a living thing. He didn’t even care anymore if it was related to ghouls or not. He just wanted to know.

 

“I think.. I can remember where that coffee shop was...” Haise aforesaid in his head.

 

On his way to the famous coffee shop he crossed a familiar place. Full of books, a library. Haise didn’t know why but he decided to go in. He liked books, Sasaki always had, right?....Why? Why did he like books so much? Was it something important? He read whenever he had free time. He had read hundreds of books in the two years he had been working on the CCG. In any way, he hadn't entered the the library because of this.

 

“Something that was here is not.” He thought.

 

When he entered Haise saw some book titles he found familiar… as if he had read them before. He looked around a bit; there was a plain looking guy on the register, completely white walls surrounded in bookshelves full of books. He eventually got to the section T.S and looked around, most of the titles he felt like he knew. He picked a black book called _“Monochrome rainbow”_  . A little girl who was reading it came to his mind. He could almost hear her say “How is this word pronounced big brother?” _Big brother?_ Haise smiled widely. He felt happy. He thought about buying the book but he had probably read it already and so, he picked another title _“The Black Goat’s Egg”_. Immediately the image of a purple haired girl appeared. He started to sweat a bit. She was painted in red and the blood was … his. He collapsed into the floor. And as he did, an impression of  another place was given to him, but right in this exact spot. It was burning and being consumed by flames. Here it was. Sasaki believed. Here was the place I adored. A single tear left from his eye.

 

Haise overwhelmed by the feeling of fear and sadness tried to escape. He left the book on the stand and exited the place. Sasaki didn’t notice his own hyperventilation until he got out the library. Agitated, he attempted to try to open his shirt and tie a bit. Haise felt a thin-skinned emotion. As if himself was vulnerable to anything in his neighboring area. As his feeling began to advance to an uncontrollable point, and so, he blew the pavement with the rubber of his shoes. The grey-eyed ran as fast as if he was being chased by something terrible, and he was. He was chased by his crushing memories, deep down concealed. Sasaki’s heart-beat pumped out of his chest and his figure sometimes collided with the ones of the people passing by. He was a respectable person, so it was rare for him to do such careless thing, but he couldn’t help it.

 

After his rush, Haise was pushed out by one of the men that passed through the streets. He was pushed into a familiar alleyway, with a strange feeling of not wanting to be there. His whole body was consumed by dismay and his eyes opened vastly. After this commotion he heard someone running towards him. Haise turns around to observe a dark hooded figure, lustful for blood, with bright scarlet eyes.

 

“Ghoul.” Sasaki spoke when his face switched into a serious one and jumped to avoid the first attempt, his fierce gray eyes browbeaten the ghoul a bit but It looked decided to attack as if yearning revenge. A sharp kagune arose from the ghoul’s back.

 

“You guys from the CCG should die already!” the ghoul howled. “Is it THAT bad to eat the only thing you can?!” The ghoul attacked as fast as it could.

 

Sasaki’s ache started to get worse, and he saw through his head a similar situation of this one. Haise declared something like this to a black-haired man who aimed him with… a quinque?

 

“What is this?” Haise shrieked with a mad face as the ghoul tried to stab him with a kagune.

 

“You haven’t answered me!” The ghoul seeked an answer while attacking again. Sasaki dodged most of his rapid attacks, but he could see some of his own blood dripping aside him.

 

Once again a memory appeared. The feeling of impotence came back to him, not being able to do anything and not being able to protect the ones he loved.  He saw a mother’s sacrifice for her daughter. The scene was so vivid his heart rate increased significantly within seconds. All he could do was watch and cover the little girl’s eyes as her mother was executed in front of her, as the girl cried in vain. Blood covered the alleyway and a berserk grin was given to the gone one by a lab coated man. Tears came to his eyes. He couldn’t get them to stop. Who were they? In what way was he related to them? Where is the little girl now? The questions he was asking himself were interrupted by the yelling ghoul that was about to kill him in that same alley.

 

“Answer me!” The ghoul said ferociously.

 

“SHUT UP ALREADY!” The grey-eyed one spat furiously. He dropped his quinque, and put both of his hands on his ears almost throwing himself on his knees. The ghoul took advantage of Haise’s actions by aiming at him with the kagune and running towards him. In a second, Sasaki did what he was trying not to. No time had passed when four long shiny tentacles had emerged from his lower back and stopped the ghoul's attack. Stabbing him right through his chest, Haise looked up with eyes that weren’t his. One of them had turned completely into a kakugan and the pupil of the other was nowhere to be seen. He wasn’t himself. He was a different person and what he did next was nothing like him. Haise was trapped inside his own body. A body he could not control. He lost all senses and the world around him turned black.

 

When Haise opened his eyes. The sun had set, he was standing up covered in blood with no memory of what happened. He perceived a familiar flavor that lingered on his mouth. Sasaki watched the lifeless, half-eaten ghoul’s blood approaching his feet, as a mirror, the blood reflected him and distorted his face until he had an insane look on his eyes. Suddenly another flashback came to him. The mom of the little girl; she was killed by an investigator who carried the quinque of her husband, with a bright smile on her face for being able to protect her daughter. Kaneki screamed internally while whimpering. As he sobbed, he shouted and he spat.

 

“WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?!” He continued releasing his exasperation. Battling against his own Kagune, which he was having a hard time controlling.

 

 _A ghoul being killed by some stranger of the CCG_. Something he was used to, but even if he was stranger and was used to it, he felt the anger upon him but still his feelings were mostly sadness and impotence. He was still screaming, and in a hurry, he jumped from his pitiful state and started to run off again, with his eyes shut. It was indeed weird, because even though his eyes were shut, he knew the way of the road. His back was easily seen by the back streets in the big city and his grey-scaled hair moved gracefully in an air of melancholy.

 

Warm blood gushing out of his wounds and the chilling breeze of the night was all he could feel, along with a sadness that apparently would never go away. Sasaki wished nothing had come back to him. He wished he didn’t remember, but what has happened cannot be undone, no one can go back in time. The only thing he could do was to try and find out more about his past.

 

 _Who was I?_ Haise thought to himself as he kept on walking. The nightfall covered his pupils, and couldn’t watch where his legs were instinctively going “I don’t know” A deep voice inside his head replied.

 

He stopped without noticing he had arrived to what appeared to have been an abandoned building but was now reduced to ashes and broken concrete. He wandered around.

 

“Why did you bring me here?” He questioned. No answer came.

 

He walked and walked until he found what appeared to be a semicircular shaped building. Most of it had been already destroyed but ... somehow he could still remember how it was. The black and white tiles on the floor, the chair he had been chained to, the bucket filled with his own fingers, a centipede, one thousand minus seven. All of these things came to him abruptly and his heartbeat quickened. He found himself unable to move, paralyzed by fear, shaking.

 

Haise let himself down and in the floor shedded tears of torment. And in fury, he stood and started to systematically destroy the only things that were left with his kagune, which arose from his back. Screams of agony could be heard everywhere but he didn’t really knew if he was actually shouting or if it was just in his head.

 

Haise hurried and hid behind a wall. He could hear the echo of steps nearby. The grey-eyed boy was ready for anything, ready to kill whoever or whatever it was. Someone had been following him since a long time ago. Sasaki didn’t notice because he was busy sorting things out in his own mind but the presence became stronger and stronger every passing second. Someone was there and Haise knew it. His wounds which had regenerated incompletely were seen briefly. His cloak which was once white gleamed a dark red colour along with the moonlight. His kinke was lost and his mind too. He was in no condition to fight. He could barely suppress his Kagune now. Haise had definitely eaten that ghoul’s kagune back there. It was the only thing missing and he felt a significant increase in the RC cells inside his body making it harder for him to control his Kakugan and his Kagune. The more RC cells, the more of a ghoul he becomes. He didn’t want to cross the line again and make a mess out of everything. The steps seemed to come closer and closer.

 

“Excuse me sir… do you have permission to be here?” A male voice was heard. It was a guard. Haise got out of his hideout looking down.

 

“No..” Was all he responded.

 

“Then I’m gonna have to ask you to leave. You know, this used to be a ghoul hideout. My job is to not let that happen ag-.... Sir… is that...blood?” Haise didn’t bother looking at the man, he just passed him by the side and kept on walking.

 

“S-Sir. Are you okay? Do you need help, should I call an ambulance?”

 

The grey-eyed didn’t look back. He just kept walking. He didn’t care about the man that was calling out to him or the person that had been following him or the snowflakes that had begun falling. He had more important things to think about.

 

“It’s all in my mind.”

 

Haise thought to himself, and it was, a battle inside him. The past him. Who was he? Why did he have all these memories? The grey-eyed boy tried to understand why all that happened to him. The past he was so afraid to unravel had come to him all in one day. He was afraid there would be more events that trigger every little memory inside him. He didn’t want to remember but he was curious about his past. He had thought it was better for everything to remain unknown, but now with what’s happened... Haise can’t go back to the way he was before, he has fallen into a deep, deep hole and the only way to come out is to dig his way out. Find out more about his past. The people he knew, the things he did and maybe it would take him somewhere.

 

As this thought were recorded by sasaki’s mind, he hadn't noticed he had fainted. Just when he got out of the destroyed building his eyes had closed and the cold air caressed his skin. The last thing he saw, was a figure approaching him. It was warm and kind, it was natural for him to stay in that way.

 

After some time passed, Sasaki found himself in what you’ll call uncertain whereabouts. He didn’t knew where he was but he could still perceive the thin smell of his own blood. His head ached, but not like the other times. He had migraine, for stress and anxiety, he was convinced that it was because he really needed to know how did he got there. But firsts thing first, he had just woke up seconds ago and still didn’t resent the migraine.

 

“Where am I?” Haise conveyed, almost standing up from a velvet bed. “Auch..!”

 

“Easy there!” someone’s cheerful voice chuckled in the distance. Even so, the room was dark and it reminded him about that dream, with no sight of who was. Because of the current situation, he started to feel uncomfortable. Well, he didn’t knew someone was with him.

 

“I just need to go.” Sasaki hid his ghoul eye under his hand, sitting on the bunk while resenting the migraine. “Right now.”

 

“Mmm.. well.. you can’t!”

 

“Huh?” The grayed eyed argued disconcerted  “Why not?”

 

“First of all, because you’re injured and second…” The guy paused insecure. “You see, I’m in a situation quite…” The voice seemed as a guy’s voice. Vivid and intriguing. “Look, it’s hard to explain.” .

 

“?” The other man could not be seen, yet on the right side of Sasaki was an intended blurry window in which some few of the city lights reached to give the room a bit of light, he was somehow relaxed because of his presence.

 

The guy scratched his head and sighed “I have… lost my memory and something in my mind is telling me-” to be with you. He wanted to express, but i’d weird to say such things to a stranger. “You kinda reminded me of someone, okay?” He stated rapidly. “ Also, I couldn’t just leave someone passed out on the floor.”

 

“Passed out?”

 

“Yes, that’s how I found you.. well.. more like... followed.” Said the guy whispering the last part.

 

“You did what?!” Haise infuriated. This sweet-voiced guy was the one who had been following him.  As Sasaki got angrier, his red eye got brighter and the other guy stepped back. When Haise listened this, the steps, he took a breath and tried to stay calm. “Can you at least tell me who you are?”

 

A long silence was present, as if the unknown one with the familiar voice had disappeared. 1 , 2 , 3 minutes passed. Haise couldn’t do anything, he could just wait, he had being hurt and couldn’t really move. Only if he wanted or if the person who talked to him was harmful. So the time passed. It looked like he was quite questioning himself.

 

“I guess you can.” The other guy finally said. After this, some steps were heard, approaching to him. Then, in front of the satin bed in which Sasaki laid, a joyful blonde-orange haired guy appeared within the shadows. He smiled bright, so bright it gave chills to Kaneki.

 

“Yo, I’m Nagachika Hideyoshi.” He paused and gave a bitter smile “That’s what I remember… but you can call me Hide!”

 

After watching his eyes, Haise standed up of the bed and broke the silence. “How can I be such a fool?” Sasaki said to himself. Overwhelmed with feelings, on the verge of tears.

 

He couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t understand it, yet he really knew what he felt when he met the blonde. When he met his eyes, he felt could see through his soul. As if his latte view that pierced through his own was waiting for this moment, for so much longer than the present part of him. Sasaki couldn’t remember, at least not as well as the one inside of him, until he met those brown eyes...

 

“What’s wrong?” asked Hide in a preoccupation face.

 

“You won’t understand!” Sasaki paused in distress and stopped looking right into his eyes. To cover them with his hands “I’m like a stranger to you.” He murmured in such a sad face that the blond argument quickly.

 

“You might be a stranger but I..”

 

The blonde realized he was starting to blush and turned his face a little so his companion wouldn’t notice. “Look, I don’t know how to say this but I feel as if... I feel as if I have known you my whole life.”

 

Sasaki’s eyes became wide open and glimpsed straight into Hide’s, whose eyes looked at the floor shyly while scratching his cheek with his index finger. “So I can understand if you explain it in detail―” Suddenly, Hide was interrupted by Haise. Hide widened his eyes in surprise, because he was interrupted by a kiss in his mouth. Softly and gentle. As if a feather had just passed through his lips. He gazed at him, watching with the few light on the room his companion’s silhouette. _Those are some big eyelashes._ Hide thought, as he saw Sasaki’s closed eyes, a breeze moving their hair, and Hide’s lips yearning for more.

 

“That’s why. That’s why you don’t understand.” Sasaki stated straightforwardly.

 

Hide stumbled a bit, he bit his lips; almost biting them. He didn’t knew if what he wanted to do was the right thing. But his impulses wanted more so they won and finally pushed Haise into a long kiss. Passionate and delirious. Tongues dancing and eyes closed, then Hide decided to end it by taking a deep breath and saying while looking into his companions glittering eyes.

 

“No, _you_ don’t understand.”

 

To continue the kiss after. Their body temperatures increasing by the second, the kiss getting more and more ardent. They paused for a minute to look at each others lustful eyes, both getting more aroused. They laid down on the bed, Hide on top kissing Sasaki’s neck, leaving traces as red butterflies that he’ll later try to cover with his clothes. Sasaki’s blood was boiling. His nails began to paint into a black color and his hunger was increasing with the time. _Fuck_ he said to himself. His ghoul part was incrementing, the other part of him. _Kaneki._ He didn’t wanted to go mad while doing this but the force put by his other self was abounding, as if he wanted it more than Sasaki. He couldn’t do it, he pushed Hide away. He stopped.

 

“Hey…” Hide called smiling slightly. Haise didn’t respond, he kept unambiguously thinking with closed dark eyes. Some time passed and Hide was gaining preoccupation, he didn’t knew what happened with Sasaki and really seeked this moment. All of the time he wanted to know about himself and what he was in his life, and somehow knew that by doing this he’ll recover. By doing this with the person he loves, whom just recognized by watching him in the street, passing by. He knew by a glance he really loved him, and still does. Hide noticed his love by his heartbeat, he had never felt it so fast, not even when he was running. It came to him so rapidly, he thought he’ll die by a heart attack. Hide kept thinking, unable to a thing for his loved one and it was steady, until Sasaki took Hide’s arm, harshly with a grip in it, and like a totally different person answered.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

After saying this, in a quick attack, he jumped topping Hide with completely white hair and his kagune wanting to hatch. Hide, surprisingly, let him do it. It was weird but he felt like he needed it, more than his companion’s other self. He perceived that the one who was on the top of him was the one.

 

At this point, their kisses became more fast and lascivious. Kaneki was questioning himself _is this okay?_ After all, this wasn’t Sasaki and didn’t know if Hide will let a different person to be with him,he was insecure. After this, Hide saw the problem within the ghoul’s eyes and instantly sat on Kaneki’s lap and wrapped his legs around his waist, Kaneki was astonished for his companion’s actions as Hide reached Kaneki’s ear and whispered

 

“Don’t worry, It’s okay.”

 

The albino ampled his eyes and then smiled a bit, he took off Hide’s clothes for then take his own off. Flesh was reflecting by the only the bright city lights. This lights reached Kaneki Ken’s great pale skin which showed a significant amount of bruises, including the ones Hide made earlier to Sasaki. Hide kissed them tenderly, provoking Kaneki more. Both of them were turned on, knowing what they were doing. Hide was blushing by being exposed, even Kaneki was blushing a bit, but as they recognised they were on the same boat, they went carefree and started the act. Hide’s flower limbs opened in the dark, as a rose blooming in the night by the passion. They both felt a skin deep feeling, love? It could be. By the time, Kaneki’s infatuation was growing with lust, it was either that, or his hunger. He thought about it for a second, he didn’t want to hurt him, but It faded away as his lewd actions became more visible. They were ready, it was just time someone took the initiative, it needed to be Kaneki, but he still was a little scared of hurting Hide.

 

It was like this until Kaneki realized that Hide knew _why_ he was doing this by the only reasonable explanation for his actions. _Because he loves me..._ So he passed his fingertips through Hide’s body, as soft as a petal’s touch, and then, through his lower parts, Kaneki heard a gasp coming from his companion. He deliberately landed quietly upon him, as a dragonfly. Trying to make Hide part of his garden. So he hesitated for some seconds by the shame and then questioned Hide timidly.

 

“Is it... okay if I start moving?”

 

The blond smiled appealingly, as he felt he had waited much for this moment. And then answered “Yeah.”

 

And like a dance, Kaneki started moving, desiring each other’s touch, each other’s love. Outside was cold, you couldn’t tell it was snowing because of the temperature, the constant touch of both Kaneki and Hide’s bare skin even made the windows tarnish.

 

They lit like a fire as if they were burning each other, and it was hard to breath in such extasis. Kaneki’s guilty conscience grew with every passing second, but he couldn’t look away. He’s brighter than sunshine Kaneki stated in his mind, as Hide smiled he decided he was too beautiful for his eyes, having such sight of the one he always wanted. Kaneki closed his eyes for a second because this drug was burning his horizons. _I’ll go blind._ He knew.

 

Hide was clenching his teeth, trying not to let his moans escape, even if a few did. His feet trembled and his head was going crazy, feeling how Kaneki swallowed him whole. He touched his lover’s scars, sliding his fingers through the flaws in the skin carefully and a little terrified. Kaneki was concerned about his companion’s actions pulling him closer, holding his back and Hide, letting his sing out. It was lustful and satisfying. Cramps walked through the circuit of Hide’s limbs. Kaneki left watermarks in his lover’s skin, to bare the pain which converted into pleasure in few seconds, just as Hide left his own on Sasaki.

 

In the dark, Kaneki’s broken pieces were building up by Hide and making a beautiful mosaic filling his desires to live, and the chances he had. Inspired by eager fire, they continued most of the night. Even when the lights had gone, Kaneki still was riding; melting his kindness away, melting his memories inside the other living being who made him company in that lonely night. Hide fluttering his soul and sharing with the other. While doing this, Hide extended his hand bearing the painful pleasure Kaneki was giving him, and Kaneki took it. Pushing harder, faster until the vertex came. Hide’s gasps were heard and both, tired, laid together still taking each other's hand. Hide slept right away, still holding hands; on that petrified and empty apartment, where a few snowdrops reached the inside. Kaneki observed his lover, dreaming sweetly.

 

“Good thing you could remember me.” Kaneki mumbled in Hide’s ear. “Even if you’re just the same.”

 

He kissed his head and holding him tight he slept, unfollowing his insomnia. That night, was muted and steady, as if they travelled to their past, two vivid teenage boys sitting on top of some sort of playground, sharing fries, talking about the future. And this is it.

Sasaki didn’t have any nightmares. Not even Kaneki. both of them were with the person they loved the most and because of it, the fear became courage, and that courage was upon them to keep walking and fighting for that person. Hide.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> And that's it. I really need to say that it was difficult to write a not graphic smut (you should totally try it out) because I had written some reaaally good smut but the thing I was making it for didn't want it too "graphic" so, it really was a challenge to me and linda.  
> Thanks for reading and I reaally hope you like it!


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